Jeff Gordon - What the fuh?

By now many of you are aware of the debacle that went down at Wrigley Field last night. No, I'm not talking about the Cubs - I refer to Jeff Gordon's "singing" of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" during the seventh inning stretch. Now, we know that Jeff's main forté is driving cars real fast, not warbling out tunes. But gee whiz, Mr. Gordon, Saddam Hussein probably knows the song better than you.

On the upside, the Cubs did rally for four runs in the eighth to come from behind and beat Houston following Gordon's butchery, so maybe the NASCAR king has become some sort of warped good-luck charm.

Oh, and by the way, Jeff, it's Wrigley Field, not Wrigley Stadium. Sheesh.

Sheryl Crow and Lance Armstrong - blown tire?

One door opens, another door closes. Star Magazine (not exactly a paragon of solid reporting - but then again, they're aren't Newsweek) is reporting that Lance Armstrong and Sheryl Crow are calling it quits after being lovey-dovey for the past two years. Their proof? Stuff like a sighting of Crow with one of her ex-loves, Eric Clapton. Nothing about whether Lance flushed a copy of Crow's new album down the toilet in response.

If the reports are true, it's sad and all, but what else were they to do? After all, it's impossible to make both their first names into one solid word. Bennifer (II)? Brangelina? Tomkat? It doesn't work. (The best I could come up with was "Lance-ryl". Ugh.)

One more thing - maybe people should stop extolling the praises of their signnificant others in print, 'cause that could be a sign that trouble is brewing. Remember that Ellen DeGeneres was singing the praises of her love Alexandra Hedison in The Advocate at precisely the same time word was spreading that she had dumped Hedison for Portia di Rossi. Wel, Lance is talking about Sheryl in the current issue of Playboy that is on newsstand at this precise moment. Print interviews about spouses and such may be the new voice-mail message.

Kill the local news - now!

Honest to God, a promo I heard for the local news out here in L.A.

"How to keep your kids away from sexual predators … plus, Victoria's got a new secret, somebody took her panties!"

I didn't know whether the anchor was smugly amused with himself or was silently wishing for death.

Bad George Romero movie breaks out in South Asia (or more fun in Laos!)

Earlier today I posted about the discovery of a new form of rat that's been discovered in Laos. Now, another, less savory find in that neck of the Earth (not that rodents are really savory, except maybe with some fava beans and grilled onions). Turns out that zombism has emerged in a village on the Laos-Cambodia border, the kindly gift of a breed of mosquito that kills people with its bite in less than two days, only to "resurrect" them within hours for a short period of time, during which the undead behave in ways that would, let us say, differ from proper society. And I know that this sounds like something right out of Weekly World News, except I found the story on the BBC News site. And despite those scary pictures of Camilla Parker-Bowles, they are not known for tabloid journalism.

So what does this mean for the rest of us? Probably nothing, unless it leads some lazy Hollywood producer to do another horror flick with Paris Hilton.

Science is golden - and rodent

The Paper of Record, The New York Times, has a story about the discovery of a previously unknown type of rodent in Laos. Called the "kha-nyou," or the more English-friendly Laotian rock rat, the "new" animal has long whiskers, short legs, and a long furry tail, but "are definitely not rats or squirrels, and are only vaguely like a guinea pig or a chinchilla." The article also says that the kha-nyou is commonly seen in its lifeless state in Laotian food markets, but there's nothing about whether they are selling Quarter Kha-Nyous at the local McDonalds.

Here is a sketch of the curious critter:



Y'know, this sounds like a cliché, but this actually does look like a guy I went to school with. And no, I'm not saying who. :)

Sympathy for the stupid

Word came out today that Kellen Winslow, the talented tight end for the Cleveland Browns, was injured this morning in a motorcyele accident. Seems young Kellen was riding new new Suzuki machine - so new that he didn't have a valid permit to ride a motorcycle - when he hit a curb and went flying off at 35 mph, landing so hard that he took out a small tree. Lucky for him that he was wearing a helmet (though it wasn't strapped on) and apparently only has minor injuries. But can I just say, for all of the common-sense people in the universe, what the heck was he thinking? This is a guy who lost most of his rookie season last year with a broken leg suffered in a game against Dallas, an injury that required two surgeries. This is an activity that may have ruined the career of former Chicago Bulls guard Jay Williams in 2003 (he fractured his pelvis among other injuries). And I would venture that it was in Winslow's $40 million contract that he wasn't supposed to engage in anything that threatened serious injury - Williams had such a clause in his deal.

If I were the Browns - a team in a league where there are no guaranteed contracts - I would cut Winslow off right now. If he's stupid enough to risk his multimillion-dollar livelihood for a joy ride, then he doesn't deserve to wear anybody's NFL uniform.