Fidel Castro - we're on the clock again!

Hmmm .... you may recall that last summer, right before Fidel Castro turned 80, it was announced that the Cuban leader would be temporarily stepping down from the post he had held for nearly half a century to undergo abdominal surgery, but that he would be back as soon as he recovered. As a result, festivities scheduled to mark his birthday were postponed until around early December, a time that was seen by many as a deadline for Castro to get all better and prove that he was as ruff and tuff as ever.

Well - the celebrations have begun in Havana, but, lo and behold, the guest of honor hasn't shown up. In fact, El Presidente hasn't been seen in any shape or form since a video of the old coot was shown more than a month ago. And in that video, Castro didn't look too good.

All of which means, of course, that Fidel Castro is dead.

Now I know I said this before, but this time I absolutely mean it. You watch - the final announcement that Fidel has gone to meet his final reward, or whatever the Communists call it, will come around mid- to late December. But he's already in a meat locker somewhere, staying fresh as a daisy so he'll look good when he lies in state. You've got to look good for that; after all, it's your final close-up.

Why all of the subterfuge? Why doesn't the Cuban government just come out and say, "Hey, sorry to be a buzzkill, but the great leader has passed ... but the good news is that we can all be capitalists now!"? Well, that's just now how it's done in Communist countries with totalitarian governments. You remember those fun-loving Russians back in the ’80s. They'd appoint a new fossil to run things, he'd make a few appearances to call Americans decadent and corrupt, and then he'd disappear with a head cold before turning up in a box six months later. In other words, they have a hard time just coming out and saying stuff. Their marriage proposals must be interesting. So, no, they just won't say outright that Fidel is morto. We'll just have to wait for the Cubans' timetable. But trust me, he's gone bye-bye. And too bad, too - he missed the chance to see Britney Spears' bare hoohah.