Premature obituration ...

There's an old saying that everybody would love to know what people are going to say about them after they've headed to the open-air baseball diamond in the sky, but I do wonder if there's is any inherent charm to knowing how your obituary is going to go before it's officially valid. (Someone ask that of Michael Phelps, who at 23 already knows what this first line of his final article will be.) History tells us that the premature publishing of an obit, while uncommon, isn't unheard of. P.T Barnum's obit made the New York Evening Sun while the ailing promoter was still alive to read it, though that was no accident; it was upon Barnum's request just so he could know what it would say about his life. Mark Twain was the "victim" of an unduly early exit courtesy of the press when he was thought to be lost at sea in 1907. And in 2003 someone at CNN.com spilled coffee on a computer or something, an act that inadvertently published the obit pages of several prominent people, including Ronald Reagan, Bob Hope, Nelson Mandela, Pope John Paul II and Dick Cheney (whom, of course, can never die, but that's another conversation for another time).

Now you can add Apple grand poobah Steve Jobs to this list. Yesterday the Bloomberg News Service, apparently while updating Jobs' 17-page obit, ended up publishing it for all the world to see. Granted, the article had holes in the crucial places - you know, like when and how Jobs supposedly reached "sad face" mode - which would have been an obvious clue that something was up here, and it wasn't Jobs' time among us. Still, the incident has caused Bloomberg a touch of embarrassment and may have raised the blood pressures of a few Apple investors, especially considering fears about the health of Jobs, who has dealt with pancreatic cancer and was looking somewhat thin and frail at his most recent public appearance - and who, by the way, has named no successor to his Apple throne.

Bloomberg soon after issued the appropriate retraction, so all seems right with the world again. But will the writers at Bloomberg now have to start from scratch with their remembrance of Jobs' life, now that everyone has seen more than a sneak preview?

What sweet hell (in academia) is this?

Someone tell me if the schoolyard was this screwed up when I was in high school 20-plus years ago? Because there are two stories that seem to indicate that something is topsy-turvy in the educational system. Specifically, that the meek get stomped on and that excellence can cock you up.

In Dallas, a young woman named Anjali Datta should be celebrating her extraordinary achievement. Not only did she finish at the top of her class at Grapevine High School, she may have done so in record fashion, earning a GPA of 5.898, which is believed to be the highest such average in the school's history. Yet Anjali isn't the valedictorian of her school - which, in this case, also comes with a one-year scholarship courtesy of the state of Texas. What's her crime? Was she caught cheating? End up pregnant? No, Anjali's offense is that she's graduating a year early. Under the policy of the school district, a high school valedictorian "shall be the eligible student with the highest grade-point average for four years of high school."

Yep, because Anjali was literally too good for the room, she's losing out on this once-in-a-lifetime honor and all that it entails. The prize - and the scholarship - are going to the student with the next best GPA, a mere 5.64. And you know the school district knows it's in the deep water, because they're bending over backwards to keep this from being a larger firestorm it already is (not to mention, perhaps, trying to keep it out of a local courtroom). They've made up a title for Anjali, "Valedictorian - Three-Year" (are they kidding?) and even offering her an opportunity to address her 470 classmates at graduation ceremonies - you know, just like a real valedictorian.

My high school class was nearly as large as Anjali's, and I busted my ass to get valedictorian - and there wasn't even an automatic scholarship on the line in my case. I ended up fourth, along with a truckload of academic honors - and yet I was annoyed, pissed off at myself. And I lost - if you want to put it that way - but I lost fair and square. I can't imagine how Anjali and her family are feeling now, and no fake titles or token doodads can ease that hurt. If I were her, I would tell the district to stick that "Valedictorian - Three-Year" certificate where the sun doesn't shine.

At least Anjali will land on her feet; with that GPA and the press generated by this stupid controversy, she'll be awash with scholarship offers, maybe already is. And a 5-year-old named Alex Barton may end up OK as well in the long run. But how will that knowledge help this poor kid, who was actually voted out of his kindergarten class by his peers, with encouragement from his butthole of a teacher? This lovely story of academia takes place in Florida (duh), where Alex, who had recently been diagnosed with a form of autism, was sent to the principal's office after a disruption in class. When he returned, according to Alex's mother, he was made to stand up in front of the class while his peers were instructed to tell Alex what they didn't like about him. Allegedly the teacher also chimed in with the helpful fact that she "hated [Alex] right now". Then - because the class was learning about voting - there was a vote taken, a la Survivor, and Alex was ejected by a 14-2 margin.

The "teacher", Wendy Portillo, said today that the vote wasn't intended to kick Alex out of her classroom for good - just for the day - and that she wanted the young boy to hear from his fellow students how they were affected by his behavior. No charges will be filed in this case, but the jury's still out as to whether Alex - or Portillo - will be back at the school any time soon. Meanwhile, Alex and his mother have received worldwide support, including an invite from Dr. Phil to be on his show, and messages from as far away as Iran. Maybe Portillo would be more comfortable teaching there - she sounds like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's type of instructor.

Gee, thanks for clearing that up for us ...

From an Associated Press story from today regarding a poll that deals the role of race in the, er, race for the Democratic presidential nomination between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama:

Exit polls of voters in Democratic primaries also show that whites who considered the contender's race — Clinton is white, Obama is black — were three times likelier to say they would only be satisfied with Clinton as the nominee than if Obama were chosen.

You know, until the AP let us know who was who, the majority of the population did keep getting Hillary and Barack mixed up. After all, it's not like this primary race is getting any publicity. So thank the AP for its public service.

NOT.

I've heard of the Nazi party, but this is ridiculous ...

And we think we have sex scandals in this country. Over in Britain and Europe, they know how to get things done - and that's not necessarily a compliment. Actually, in the case of a elder English gent named Max Mosley, it definitely isn't. Mosley is the head of the Formula One racing circuit - or, at least, he is as of this very moment. How long that will last remains to be seen now that the 67-year-old Mosley has been photographed taking part in an orgy that involved ladies of the evening. But that's not the "best" part of the story - after all, orgies on the other side of the pond usually don't make that much of a stir. But if the orgy included prostitutes dressed as Nazi guards - well, that could be a bit of a problem.

As you can imagine, the clamor for Mosley to resign his post has been loud and fierce. And adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Mosley's father, in addition to having a nerdy first name (Oswald!), was the U.K. leading fascist back in the day, not to mention a running buddy with one Adolf Hitler. So one could look at Max's antics as being more than just a bad joke. Don't be surprised if Mr. Mosley races for the exit real soon. Hope the ride was worth it.

Spit(zer) Take ...

I know Eliot Spitzer said that he wanted to bring perpetrators of vice and such to their knees as governor of New York, but this is ridiculous!

But seriously, folks, of all of the offensives Gov. Spitzer is accused of in this situation - and being an idiot is right at the top (Yeah, a politician whose entire rep is built upon being a law-and-order, take-no-prisoners tough guy gets caught with his pants down ... literally? Not exactly Albert Einstein, no?) - the worst thing about this story? His last recorded "business transaction" with on Feb. 13, the day before Valentine's Day! Something tells me that it's going to take more than roses and a box of chocolates to get Eliot out of the scalding water he's now in with his wife.

Something also tells me that Dick Wolf's head just exploded as he thinks about all of the Law & Order episodes he's going to get out of this story. Or at least that permanent boil on the side of Wolf's head just exploded. Nah, it's probably the entire cranium.

To the Dogs (or, Don't Be Like Mike)

Today was Michael Vick's turn. In the tradition of such luminaries as Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie, the former Atlanta Falcons quarterback became the latest celeb in 2007 to throw himself upon the mercy of public opinion. Just hours after Vick pleaded guilty to federal dogfighting charges - charges he had boastfully denied up until now, charges that he lied to the NFL commissioner, the owner of his football team and nearly everyone else about - he did his best to appear contrite and shameful in front of the press and the world.

He said all of the right things. He apologized to everyone he had misled. He said he had found God (convenient, no?) and that he would redeem himself - not as a football player, but as a human being. And he did it all without a written statement prepared by his lawyers in his hands.

And I didn't buy a word of it.

Why didn't I? What was it about Vick's words, spoken in a way that seemed unrehearsed and from the heart, that failed to touch my heart? Why do I still look upon him as a fraud, not just a felon? Maybe because the switch had been flipped too readily. How convenient for Vick to say he was sorry, that he had found religion and seen the error of his ways, now that his ass is literally on the line. His freedom is a foregone conclusion - he's going to jail, even as pundits say that today's press statement (and the inevitable TV interviews - who will get the first one? Katie? Larry? Oprah?) are part of a campaign to rehabilitate Vick's image before the judge presiding over his case sentences him in December. Word is that his lawyers are hoping to get away with probation or maybe house arrest, but that's a pipe dream. He's going away - maybe for a year, maybe longer - and not to Paris Hilton jail either. This is federal, so Vick is going to a real prison - a "Prison Break" prison, if you will, and there's no full-body tattoo that's going to get him out of this one.

More is on the line for Vick, of course. His NFL career as he knew is is done as well. He's been suspended indefinitely by Roger Goodell, the still-green commissioner of the league who already has shown himself to be a hard-ass when it comes to discipline. Vick not only participated in illegal behavior, he gambled on it as well, and gambling is the third rail of professional sports. All of the leagues are deathly afraid of the taint of gambling, of what it can lead to - the very corruption of their sports. And the leaders of said leagues will do whatever it takes to keep the stink of gambling out of their houses. Just ask Pete Rose about that one.

Vick's suspension is lifetime in everything but name. It's Goodell's call whether Vick even gets the chance to play again in the NFL - and considering Vick lied to his face about the dogfighting charges within days of apparently taking an active part in killing fighting dogs with his own hands, I doubt if the commish is inclined to let Vick back into the club for the duration. (Even if Goodell goes ahead and bans Vick for life, the QB could file for reinstatement down the line. This is a standard rule throughout most of the pro leagues - even Rose has filed, so far unsuccessfully, to get his baseball life back. It's a fact that my friend Beth finds frustratingly stupid, and we had an energetic conversation about it earlier today.) But say Goodell does tell Vick in three or four years, 'OK, you're back in.' Some team still has to give him another chance, another contract, and that's going to be a hard sell to make to the community that team is part of. An over-the-hill, convicted felon who murdered defenseless pooches with his bare hands - yeah, this is the new face of your team!

Michael Vick was the face of the NFL, let alone the Atlanta Falcons. He was the most exciting player in a decade, a running-and-gunning quarterback who ran for 1,000 yards in a season - a living video game who was a dangerous weapon on the field. He had the richest contract in league history - $130 million over 10 years. And he pissed it all away for an activity he knew was against the law. And now he wants us, suddenly, to feel that he is sorry for what he did? Uh-uh. Vick is sorry he got caught, and that isn't good enough. His "act of contrition" tour is more about saving his butt and his career more than anything else, the equivalent of another football player searching for the "real killers" and a certain starlet turning her back on partying in favor of good deeds. In other words, total crap. God may forgive Vick, but he's going to have to work a lot harder to get the rest of us to buy his latest scramble away from this trouble.

Don't drop the soap in the slammer, Mike.