MEXICO CITY — (The corpse of) Fidel Castro stepped down Tuesday morning as the president of Cuba after a long [period of being dead]. The announcement was made in a letter to the nation written by [Mr. Castro's corpse] and published early Tuesday morning on the Web site of Granma, the official publication of the Cuban Communist Party.
The resignation ends one of the longest tenures as one of the most all-powerful communist heads of state in the world.
In late July 2006, Mr. Castro, [whose corpse] is 81, (died and) handed over power temporarily to his brother, Raúl Castro, 76, and a few younger cabinet ministers, after an acute infection in his colon (killed him) forced him to undergo (the ruse of) emergency surgery. Despite numerous operations, he has [stayed dead] but has remained active in running government affairs from behind the scenes (as much as a dead man can).
Now, just days before the national assembly is to meet to select a new head of state, (the corpse of) Mr. Castro resigned permanently, and signaled his willingness to let a younger generation assume power. He said his [being dead] made it impossible to return as president.
“I will not aspire to neither will I accept — I repeat I will not aspire to neither will I accept — the position of President of the Council of State and Commander in chief,” [Castro's corpse] wrote in the letter.
He added: “It would betray my conscience to occupy a responsibility that requires mobility and the total commitment that I am not in the physical condition to offer (because I'm dead).”
See ... much more entertaining! Though, of course, this makes the eventual official death notice pretty much anticlimatic.