For three hours tonight, our nation will be vulnerable to all sorts of calamity and tumult, and it's only through sheer dumb luck that we won't be destroyed by terrorists, natural disasters or marauding latex monsters during that window of vulnerability. Because the impossible is happening ...
... all Starbucks across the country will be closing for three hours, starting at 5:30 pm local time. That's more than 7,000 stores that will be idle for a critical period in our history.
I know what you're thinking - why, Lord, o why is this happening? Well, it's a perfectly reasonable explanation. All of the employees are being retrained. You know, because, just like nurses and fireman, our Starbucks baristas have to keep up their important skills. Not everyone can make an espresso, after all.
Now, if you truly need a fancy caffeine fix while your local Starbucks is dark, don't fret too much. In what can only be interpreted as a friendly gesture, Dunkin' Donuts is offering their brand of gourmet coffee for only 99 cents per small cup at their franchises, and in Chicago at least free cups will be available for some DD customers. Or you could try something novel - like making your own coffee. Or, even better, avoiding it all together. If you can do that, then the terrorists won't win. And neither will the monsters.