So is this what is to become of us from now on - or at least until the summer is over? Parody after parody of the already-iconic final scene of The Sopranos? If so, then maybe Paris Hilton can't get out of prison and go out partying without her underwear too soon.
Here Hillary Clinton gets into the act to decent effect (though your feelings of good will may go out the window when you find out which song she did end up choosing for her campaign tune. From Don't Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow) to this?)
The Pittsburgh Pirates, in a desparate attempt to distract fan from how god-awful the team is (again), created this handsome comedy clip that played on the Jumbotron:
One method of parody seems to be taking other famous last scenes and giving them the "David Chase" treatment. This is an alternate take on The Godfather:
And see if you can guess what this movie is:
So will there be more? All I can see is that it probably won't be long before one of the networks uses the diner scene as a way to introduce one of their new shows to the public, which would be the equivalent of a hooker wearing Mother Teresa's habit - or David Chase writing a script for According to Jim. So settle back - it's going to be a long summer. And don't stop believing!
Showing posts with label Wacky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wacky. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
The ’suit over the suit, Day One ...
You may not realize this, but in a courtroom in Washington, D.C., the trial of the century finally has begun. More than $50 million is on the line, not to mention the sanity reputation of a public official and the future of a business - and, by relation, a family. And it's all for the want of ... a pair of pants.
Yes, the Great Pants Lawsuit is on. As previously reported all over the world, including this very blog, Roy L. Pearson Jr., an appointed judge in the District and a dumbass, is suing the Korean-born owners of a local dry cleaning establishment over what he says was the reckless disposition of his favorite pair of suit pants. His asking price for the loss of his precious garment (and the accompanying pain and suffering) was $67 million, but he has since lowered the amount to a more reasonable $54 million. Those astronomical amounts alone made the case an international sensation as people across the globe scratched their heads and wondered if Mr. Pearson has lost his ever-loving mind. It had become a joke to just about everyone except the family Pearson is suing, the Chungs, who had come from Seoul to build for themselves a piece of the American dream, only to see it threatened by what seemed to be the willful machinations of a vindictive madman. Even if they prevail, the court costs alone may force them in to bankruptcy, even their ability to stay in the U.S. Person may be a laughing stock, but the Chungs weren't laughing.
Well, after the first day of the trial, which is covered in great detail by Washington Post columnist Marc Fisher here, I'm still laughing and seething at the same time. It is incredible to me how Pearson, who is representing himself, claims to have spent 1,400 hours of his own time preparing for this case - and has asked to be reimbursed for attorney's fees at the rate more than $400 per hour. (Excuse me ... coughgreedybastardcough.) It boggles my mind how his opening statement including the sentence, "Never before in recorded history have a group of defendants engaged in such misleading and unfair business practices" - and apparently said it with a straight face. I'm flabbergasted that, during his testimony of the horror of his pants going missing, he actually broke down in tears and abruptly left the courtroom before the judge even granted him a recess. And then there's one of Pearson's witnesses, an 89-year-old former WAC who also had problems with the Chungs' service - and went on to compare them to the Nazis.
This seems set to be a two-day trial, which means the Chungs should be able to present their defense today. The presiding judge is Judith Bartnoff; remember that name so you know where to send your hate mail if this thing goes the wrong way. Stay tuned.
Yes, the Great Pants Lawsuit is on. As previously reported all over the world, including this very blog, Roy L. Pearson Jr., an appointed judge in the District and a dumbass, is suing the Korean-born owners of a local dry cleaning establishment over what he says was the reckless disposition of his favorite pair of suit pants. His asking price for the loss of his precious garment (and the accompanying pain and suffering) was $67 million, but he has since lowered the amount to a more reasonable $54 million. Those astronomical amounts alone made the case an international sensation as people across the globe scratched their heads and wondered if Mr. Pearson has lost his ever-loving mind. It had become a joke to just about everyone except the family Pearson is suing, the Chungs, who had come from Seoul to build for themselves a piece of the American dream, only to see it threatened by what seemed to be the willful machinations of a vindictive madman. Even if they prevail, the court costs alone may force them in to bankruptcy, even their ability to stay in the U.S. Person may be a laughing stock, but the Chungs weren't laughing.
Well, after the first day of the trial, which is covered in great detail by Washington Post columnist Marc Fisher here, I'm still laughing and seething at the same time. It is incredible to me how Pearson, who is representing himself, claims to have spent 1,400 hours of his own time preparing for this case - and has asked to be reimbursed for attorney's fees at the rate more than $400 per hour. (Excuse me ... coughgreedybastardcough.) It boggles my mind how his opening statement including the sentence, "Never before in recorded history have a group of defendants engaged in such misleading and unfair business practices" - and apparently said it with a straight face. I'm flabbergasted that, during his testimony of the horror of his pants going missing, he actually broke down in tears and abruptly left the courtroom before the judge even granted him a recess. And then there's one of Pearson's witnesses, an 89-year-old former WAC who also had problems with the Chungs' service - and went on to compare them to the Nazis.
This seems set to be a two-day trial, which means the Chungs should be able to present their defense today. The presiding judge is Judith Bartnoff; remember that name so you know where to send your hate mail if this thing goes the wrong way. Stay tuned.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Here comes the (dumbass) judge ...
Roy L. Pearson Jr. is a judge with the Office of Administrative Hearings in Washington D.C. He overseas legal proceedings involving several agencies, board and commissions in the District of Columbia. Before assuming the bench, Pearson was a longtime attorney who specialized in representing the poor and indigent. He is a member of several important associations in the D.C. area.
Pearson also is, to use the French tongue, an asshole.
I tried to find a photo of Roy Pearson to go along with this post, but I couldn't find any image of him anywhere online, even on his official D.C. government page. It's too bad, as I wanted to be easily identifiable to anyone who wanted to throw rotten fruit at his head. But I have a feeling that Judge Pearson is about to get more than his unfair attention. That's because the story about how the important judge is suing the Korean immigrants and their dry-cleaning business over the pair of suit pants he claims they lost. Not a big deal, you might say? Isn't that a case for small-claims court? It would be, except that Pearson is asking for a sum of money that is far beyond Judge Judy's wheel house.
Try $67 million.
Yeah, with an "m."
These Washington Post and ABC News stories explain the situation in detail, but in brief, Pearson gave the Chung family, with whom he had a checkered professional history, some of his suits to be altered in May 2005, around the time he was appointed to the bench. But one pair of pants went missing, the pants for what Pearson said was his favorite suit, the one he wanted to wear on his first day as a judge. And he was not happy. At first he just asked the Chungs for the price of the suit, about a thousand dollars. But when they said they had found the pants, Pearson apparently couldn't take yes for an answer. That's when he took matters to court.
The $67 million that he's seeking from this mom-and-pop operation is not an arbitrary number. No, he crunched the numbers and figured it out precisely. Part of the sum is the cost for him to rent a car and take his dry cleaning to another store every weekend - for the next 10 years. But that's only 15 grand. The rest comes from how he sees the consumer protection laws of the District, which includes a $1,500 fine per day for each violation. Multiply the violations by 12, the alleged violators by three (the Chungs and their adult son, a co-owner) and the days by 1,200, and you arrive at $64,800,000.
Pearson's case, most observers agree, hinges around the words "satisfaction guaranteed" and "same day service" - words that the Chungs used in advertising their business. Say, you think he wasn't satisfied about something? The Chungs have made settlement offers totaling in the low five figures, but, again, Pearson doesn't seem to be satisfied.
Oh, Pearson is representing himself in this matter. He's treating this like a class action suit and has 63 people on his witness list. But this is really just about him and his bruised ego, and quite possible about the likelihood that he has a small penis.
The story has pissed off so many people that a defense fund has been formed so those who want to donate money to the Chungs, who have defended themselves against Pearson for two years and may be on the verge of losing their livelihood, can do so. (The fund's Web site, www.customcleanersdefensefund.com, will be up and running shortly.) What's more, Pearson may be on the verge of losing his job as well, as a D.C. board is considering whether he should be reappointed to his judgeship in the wake of the horrible press this case is generating. But Pearson shows no sign of backing down as of yet, apparently oblivious as to how much of a petulant fool he looks like. (He's not talking to the press, which also shows him to be a man of bravery as well.)
It's cases like this that get those in favor of tort reform all riled up - and could screw things up down the road for the truly and justifiably aggrieved who have no course other than a lawsuit to get justice. But what's going on here isn't justice. It's sick and stupid and petty. Judge Pearson's time - indeed, all of our time - would be better served if he would put on his robes, lock himself in his office and repeatedly pound himself in the head with a brick. Might knock some common sense into himself in the process.
Pearson also is, to use the French tongue, an asshole.
I tried to find a photo of Roy Pearson to go along with this post, but I couldn't find any image of him anywhere online, even on his official D.C. government page. It's too bad, as I wanted to be easily identifiable to anyone who wanted to throw rotten fruit at his head. But I have a feeling that Judge Pearson is about to get more than his unfair attention. That's because the story about how the important judge is suing the Korean immigrants and their dry-cleaning business over the pair of suit pants he claims they lost. Not a big deal, you might say? Isn't that a case for small-claims court? It would be, except that Pearson is asking for a sum of money that is far beyond Judge Judy's wheel house.
Try $67 million.
Yeah, with an "m."
These Washington Post and ABC News stories explain the situation in detail, but in brief, Pearson gave the Chung family, with whom he had a checkered professional history, some of his suits to be altered in May 2005, around the time he was appointed to the bench. But one pair of pants went missing, the pants for what Pearson said was his favorite suit, the one he wanted to wear on his first day as a judge. And he was not happy. At first he just asked the Chungs for the price of the suit, about a thousand dollars. But when they said they had found the pants, Pearson apparently couldn't take yes for an answer. That's when he took matters to court.
The $67 million that he's seeking from this mom-and-pop operation is not an arbitrary number. No, he crunched the numbers and figured it out precisely. Part of the sum is the cost for him to rent a car and take his dry cleaning to another store every weekend - for the next 10 years. But that's only 15 grand. The rest comes from how he sees the consumer protection laws of the District, which includes a $1,500 fine per day for each violation. Multiply the violations by 12, the alleged violators by three (the Chungs and their adult son, a co-owner) and the days by 1,200, and you arrive at $64,800,000.
Pearson's case, most observers agree, hinges around the words "satisfaction guaranteed" and "same day service" - words that the Chungs used in advertising their business. Say, you think he wasn't satisfied about something? The Chungs have made settlement offers totaling in the low five figures, but, again, Pearson doesn't seem to be satisfied.
Oh, Pearson is representing himself in this matter. He's treating this like a class action suit and has 63 people on his witness list. But this is really just about him and his bruised ego, and quite possible about the likelihood that he has a small penis.
The story has pissed off so many people that a defense fund has been formed so those who want to donate money to the Chungs, who have defended themselves against Pearson for two years and may be on the verge of losing their livelihood, can do so. (The fund's Web site, www.customcleanersdefensefund.com, will be up and running shortly.) What's more, Pearson may be on the verge of losing his job as well, as a D.C. board is considering whether he should be reappointed to his judgeship in the wake of the horrible press this case is generating. But Pearson shows no sign of backing down as of yet, apparently oblivious as to how much of a petulant fool he looks like. (He's not talking to the press, which also shows him to be a man of bravery as well.)
It's cases like this that get those in favor of tort reform all riled up - and could screw things up down the road for the truly and justifiably aggrieved who have no course other than a lawsuit to get justice. But what's going on here isn't justice. It's sick and stupid and petty. Judge Pearson's time - indeed, all of our time - would be better served if he would put on his robes, lock himself in his office and repeatedly pound himself in the head with a brick. Might knock some common sense into himself in the process.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Torii Hunter picked a bad week to give up champagne ...
The bottom line is that it sucks to be Torii Hunter this week. First the Minnesota Twins' All-Star outfielder landed in hot water after it came out that, to thank the lowly Kansas City Royals for sweeping the Detroit Tigers in the last weekend of the 2006 season - thusly giving Minnesota the American League West title over Detroit- Hunter recently the Royals four bottles of champagne. What's the problem, you make ask? What's a few bottles of bubbly between players? Why not throw a bone to the Royals, who haven't have a champagne-soaked celebration since the year 5? Turns out that Hunter was in violation of an obscure baseball rule that bans such gift-giving - specifically, Rule 21-b:It appears that Hunter will not face the ultimate penalty, but most likely will be fined. So may the Royals, who returned the unopened bottles to Hunter and the Twins. (Hey, those players can afford their own Dom - well, most of them can.) Still, it's a big ouch for Hunter - but not as big as the one he got in today's game when he was hit in the mouth by a pitch. The outfielder thought briefly about charging the mound before collapsing in pain. He left the game and ended up with some stitches inside his mouth, but the last word was that all of his teeth were still intact, and he may play as early as tomorrow. But he likely won't be sipping any of his own champagne any time soon.
Oh, and who were Hunter and the Twins playing this afternoon. Why, the Kansas City Royals, of course. So much for gratitude.
Food for thought ...
* The number one R&B song in America is "Lost Without U," and it has spent 10 weeks straight at the top of the charts. It is performed by Robin Thicke - and, yeah, he's the son of the whitest man in North America, Alan Thicke. Who knew such soul existed in those genes?
* Speaking of white guys with no soul:
* Starting today, Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises in California must post warning messages stating that a chemical used to prepare their mashed and fried potatoes may cause cancer. Er, has the Colonel's troops ever thought about removing the chemical as well? "Yeah, I like my spuds with extra carcinogens - gives them a kick!"
* There's a warrant in India for Richard Gere's arrest for kissing an Indian actress in person while promoting HIV/AIDS charities in that nation. Makes you wonder what would have happened if he had eaten a Whopper while there. Seriously, though, the court that issued the warrant called the kiss "an obscene act." Strange - I would think that having 5 million Indian citizens who are HIV positive would be the larger obscenity.
* Speaking of white guys with no soul:
* Starting today, Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises in California must post warning messages stating that a chemical used to prepare their mashed and fried potatoes may cause cancer. Er, has the Colonel's troops ever thought about removing the chemical as well? "Yeah, I like my spuds with extra carcinogens - gives them a kick!"
* There's a warrant in India for Richard Gere's arrest for kissing an Indian actress in person while promoting HIV/AIDS charities in that nation. Makes you wonder what would have happened if he had eaten a Whopper while there. Seriously, though, the court that issued the warrant called the kiss "an obscene act." Strange - I would think that having 5 million Indian citizens who are HIV positive would be the larger obscenity.
Monday, April 16, 2007
If you need a laugh ...
... on a day that has been really, really crappy so far (just turn on the news if you don't know what I'm talking about), here's a short film for you. It features the work of a comic genius, plus Will Ferrell.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Daddy's Little Helper ...
Rolling Stone guitarist and gilded member of the living dead Keith Richards has revealed to the world that, sometime after his father's death in 2002, he did what all dutiful sons aspire to do with the remains of their paternal units - he snorted him up his nose:
"He was cremated and I couldn't resist grinding him up with a little bit of blow. My dad wouldn't have cared," [Richards] said. "... It went down pretty well, and I'm still alive."
Honestly, wouldn't you have been just the tiniest bit disappointed if Keith hadn't cut a stash of Colombian gold with a smidge of his dearly departed da? The only question left, really, is who will sniff up Mr. Richards with his pact with the devil expires and his desiccated corpse loses its re-animation spell - which we hope happens during a Stones gig. Not because we wish him any ill will, ’cause he's really a cool bloke. But just because the video of such an event will be killer, and may actually cause Mick Jagger to stand still for a minute.
UPDATE: Ah, fudge - it turns out the whole daddy-snorting thing was just a joke. Why did Richards have to blow a great story with the truth?
Monday, April 02, 2007
Isn't it ironic?
And with one simple song, Alanis Morissette instantly makes herself relevant yet again.
I present to you Ms. Morissette and her cover of The Black-Eyed Peas' "My Humps". Listen, watch and thank God that Alanis walks the Earth among us.
I present to you Ms. Morissette and her cover of The Black-Eyed Peas' "My Humps". Listen, watch and thank God that Alanis walks the Earth among us.
The guns weren't shooting green slime, either ...
This made the celebrity-slash-police blotter this morning:
LOS ANGELES - Suspected gang members opened fire on a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party early Sunday, wounding three and scattering 200 mostly teenage attendees, police said.
Now there are shootings after the Kids Choice Awards? Oy vey. But really, where else could the East Coast-West Coast, Abigail Breslin-Dakota Fanning feud go but to the gunplay?
LOS ANGELES - Suspected gang members opened fire on a Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards after-party early Sunday, wounding three and scattering 200 mostly teenage attendees, police said.
Now there are shootings after the Kids Choice Awards? Oy vey. But really, where else could the East Coast-West Coast, Abigail Breslin-Dakota Fanning feud go but to the gunplay?
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
He's bringing sexy back!
It seems that Ralph Fiennes may have met his match. The AP reports today about the prowess of Akili the gorilla, who resides at the Artis Zoo in Amsterdam. Akili was brought in from a German safari park to give some pick-me-up the social life among the other primates. (Translation: the ladies weren't having babies because they weren't getting any from the other guys.) In comes Akili (no pun intended), and within six months all three of the female gorillas are either with child or have had child.
There's no joke here - just a whole bunch of jealousy.
NOTE: Click here for the page on the Artis Zoo's Web site about Akili and his, er, success rate. Yeah, it's in Dutch, but I can give you the basic translation: Dude's got game.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
WTF has gotten into Ralph Fiennes all of a sudden?
I mean, really, what's going on here? Suddenly the mild-mannered British actor is challenging George Clooney and Colin Farrell for the title of Hollywood's Busiest Stud. First there was the incident in February in which Fiennes apparently joined the "mile high club" with the help of a willing-and-able flight attendant during a Qantas flight from Darwin to Mumbai - where, in a crazy-meets-crazy situation, he was to give a lecture on safe sex practices (Fiennes allegedly performed sans protection on the plane - and then later covered himself for a second tryst that night in her hotel room.) Now comes word from the city of Bruges, Belgium, where Fiennes is shooting a film, that he was spending a very late night frolicking nude at the pool of a swanky hotel with four equally nude young ladies. The partying was such that hotel guests were awakened at 5 a.m. by all of the noise. Of course, there's a chance that no sex was going on at all this time around. Maybe it was good clean fun. Or maybe a World Series trophy will fly out of my butt.
Dude, this is not how Oscar-nominated actors behave. (Wait a minute ... Peter O'Toole ... Richard Burton ... Richard Harris ... never mind.) This has all the earmarks of a mid-life crisis for the 44-year-old Fiennes, though he's already had a colorful love life. He was once married to the luscious English actress Alex Kingston before dumping her for another hot British Babe, Francesca Annis, who is 18 years older than Fiennes. They were together for more than a decade. And there had been recent rumors that Fiennes was dating Ellen Barkin, So obviously he's no slouch when it comes to the carnal arts. Still, he should tone it down a notch, lest he be tagged with the male whore label. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
NOTE: Oh, the film that Fiennes is making in Belgium between sexual conquests? One of his co-stars is the aforementioned Colin Farrell. One wonders what he must be thinking right now.
Respect your elders, young man!
Jack LaLanne, American's first fitness celebrity, will be 93 years old in September is still going strong, proving that all of us lard asses should have been listening to him all these years. But while LaLanne is still pursuing an active schedule of preaching his company line of steady exercise and proper nutrition, there's a guy in Florida (natch) who wants to take things to a different level. A younger man named Roland Fortin has challenged LaLanne to a good-natured four-round exhibition boxing match. Fortin is 91 years young, a former cut man who winters in the craziest state in the land. He placed a large ad in the South Florida Sun-Sentinel on Super Bowl Sunday with his idea, his way of direct communicating with LaLanne.
So far LaLanne has ducked Fortin; his spokesperson sights both his busy touring schedule and the fact that, despite his still-great physique, he is retired from public feats of strength. (Among other things, LaLanne swam from Alcatraz to Fisherman's Wharf - twice. Both times he was handcuffed; the second time he also was shackled to a half-ton boat. He was 60 at the time. Stud.) But Fortin is persisting and plans to bring boxing promoter Don King into the mix in an effort to move things along.
Now, go ahead, admit it - you thought he was dead, didn't you? No, Don King is still alive and well. But betcha Jack LaLanne could kick his ass in 10 seconds - that is, so long as King isn't armed.
Monday, March 05, 2007
I don't think this would fly in Philadelphia ...
I'm the first one to agree that the behavior of spectators at sporting events has gone downhill in recent years. From the NBA fan-player brawl in Detroit a couple of years ago to foaming-at-the-mouth parents confronting officials at Little League ballgames, it's clear that there are those who think that they have carte blanche if they pay money for a ticket to be in the stands. (Though what's going on here is nothing compared to what's been happening at soccer games in Europe - i.e. no one has died.) But somehow, I think the folks at the Washington (State) Interscholastic Activities Association are taking things a step too far. They are considering tough new guidelines on fan behavior at high-school sporting events that would include a ban on booing. As Mike Colbrese, the executive director of the WIAA told ABC News, "I'm trying to figure out why people think booing is acceptable in the first place."
Again, there's no validation for fans going overboard - but a ban on booing? Are they crazy? The idea behind the restrictions - which are not law as of yet - would be to prevent attempts to intimidate members of the visiting team. But that's precisely what the term "home team advantage" is all about. There shouldn't be a red carpet rolled out to the visitors. They should have to deal with some level of heckling and prodding and, yes, booing. And what about cheering for the home team - couldn't that be seen as "intimidating" the other side? Will we get to the point where high-school games will be held under a cone of silence?
For high school students, cheering - and booing - are rites of passage. And let's face it, for all the press over outrageous or violent acts of fan behavior, these incidents still are very few and far between. Yet a few bad apples again threaten to ruin things for everyone in the state of Washington - if these rules pass without a lot of, well, booing, that is.
Click on the subject line to read the article.
Again, there's no validation for fans going overboard - but a ban on booing? Are they crazy? The idea behind the restrictions - which are not law as of yet - would be to prevent attempts to intimidate members of the visiting team. But that's precisely what the term "home team advantage" is all about. There shouldn't be a red carpet rolled out to the visitors. They should have to deal with some level of heckling and prodding and, yes, booing. And what about cheering for the home team - couldn't that be seen as "intimidating" the other side? Will we get to the point where high-school games will be held under a cone of silence?
For high school students, cheering - and booing - are rites of passage. And let's face it, for all the press over outrageous or violent acts of fan behavior, these incidents still are very few and far between. Yet a few bad apples again threaten to ruin things for everyone in the state of Washington - if these rules pass without a lot of, well, booing, that is.
Click on the subject line to read the article.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
This is really the end ...
It's official: Hollywood is truly out of ideas. And yeah, I know I've, for one, have been hearing those claims since at least 1998 - mainly because I've been muttering them to myself since then. But this time, I really mean it. That's because, according to Variety, ABC is taking those frustrated cavemen from the Geico commercials and - I swear to God - building an actual sitcom around them. The show, expertly entitled Cavemen, will find three of the hairy and harried breed trying to lead normal lives as 30somethings in Atlanta. (Atlanta? Why?) No word on casting yet, though I hear Ted McGinley is available.
I guess it could have been worse - the sitcom could have starred that blasted gecko with the English accent. Oh, wait, he's the director! (Not. I think.)
Very Friendly ...
Wow! Talk about service with a smile! Those must be really good sandwiches! (Or really awful, depending on exactly why the restaurant is offering, er, such a bonus.)
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