FUKUDOME!!!!

Fukudome has arrived!! Three-for-three in his Major League debut, including a double and a three-run, game-tying homer in the bottom of the ninth! BOW DOWN TO YOUR NEW CUB OVERLORDS!!!!!

(P.S. This would have been much more effective had the Cubs actually won the blasted game. But hey, you take your victories where you can - even if they aren't actually victories.)

I've heard of the Nazi party, but this is ridiculous ...

And we think we have sex scandals in this country. Over in Britain and Europe, they know how to get things done - and that's not necessarily a compliment. Actually, in the case of a elder English gent named Max Mosley, it definitely isn't. Mosley is the head of the Formula One racing circuit - or, at least, he is as of this very moment. How long that will last remains to be seen now that the 67-year-old Mosley has been photographed taking part in an orgy that involved ladies of the evening. But that's not the "best" part of the story - after all, orgies on the other side of the pond usually don't make that much of a stir. But if the orgy included prostitutes dressed as Nazi guards - well, that could be a bit of a problem.

As you can imagine, the clamor for Mosley to resign his post has been loud and fierce. And adding fuel to the fire is the fact that Mosley's father, in addition to having a nerdy first name (Oswald!), was the U.K. leading fascist back in the day, not to mention a running buddy with one Adolf Hitler. So one could look at Max's antics as being more than just a bad joke. Don't be surprised if Mr. Mosley races for the exit real soon. Hope the ride was worth it.

Hope springs eternal ... again ...

And so it begins anew today ...

In case you needed any reminding that this year marks 100 years since the Chicago Cubs last tasted the elixir that is a World Series championship, major outlets such as ESPN, National Public Radio and USA Today have taken great pains to remind you of that stark fact. Of course, the very fact that the world is on the verge of seeing the Cubs hit the triple-digit mark of futility is just one of the myriad of reasons why This Year Is Next Year™ - why the North Siders will finally jump the broom and bring sexy back to Wrigley Field. (Another reason: I ate a goat during the off-season - more on that later, if I get around to it.) Because this will be such a special season, it's my plan to keep daily tabs on the schedule on this high-quality blog, even on the days when I have nothing else to say. Keep an eye on the right-hand side of your screen. The flag you see will be an indicator of how the Cubs did in their most previous contest. Here's hoping for a lot more W's than L's.

Play ball!

Insert caption here ...

The Major League Baseball season hasn't even started yet (OK, it kind of has, if you really want to count the Trans-Pacific junket that the Red Sox and the Athletics were forced to endure took this week to Japan), and already I think we have a winner for the most unusual trip to the disabled list of the year. The unfortunate champion is Houston Astros second baseman Kaz Matsui, who will miss the first two weeks of the season after undergoing surgery for an, er, anal fissure.

Yeah, you read that right. And no, if you don't already know what it is, I'm not telling you. Go to Wikipedia if you're so curious.

There are no details about how Matsui sustained his injury, other than it took place on no less than St. Patrick's Day. Obviously the luck of the Irish was not with him that day. And, just as obviously, the Astros training staff may want to invest in some extra soft Charmin in the coming days.

Oh, dear ...

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune considerately informs us this morning that Zubaz pants have returned to the sartorial landscape. Which is just the final proof, of course, that God has truly abandoned us.

When George Clooney or Barack Obama is caught dead wearing a pair of thee monstrosities, then call me. So I can jump off a building.

(Full disclosure: When I was a teen, I owned a pair of these. But I learned - the hard way.)

Bad day for British culture - or I'm not saying she's a golddigger ...

Not only did today see the passing of two major players on the English entertainment scene, Sir Arthur C. Clarke and Anthony Minghella - but Heather Mills, a.k.a. the newly ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney, proved to be the most pissed-off instant millionaire in the country's history by mouthing off about how she had gotten a bum rap because of the divorce settlement she received from the court. (Note to Ms. Mills: It doesn't exact behoove you to complain about only getting $50 million at a time when the global economy is in freefall.) Among other chestnut, she moaned about how her 4-year-old daughter with Sir Paul, Beatrice, won't be able to travel first-class anymore, and admitted to pouring a glass of water over the head of her ex's lawyer's head at the end of the legal proceedings. (The former Beatle spouse quipped that Fiona Shackleton had been "baptized in court" for her "unpleasant comments." Charming.) My mother taught me to respect women, and I am not a rapper by trade. But if the term "one-legged bitch" was ever appropriate to use to describe one person, it's Ms. Mills.

BREAKING: Charlie Rose assaulted by new Mac laptop!

Yeah, that was actually Charlie Rose hosting his ubiquitous PBS chat show last night (for those of you who can watch his broadcast without getting annoyed by his habit of interrupting his guests mid-answer) - and no, he didn't have a tragic run-in with a truculent Mike Tyson. According to the tech blog Endgadget, Rose's facial injuries occurred when, while carrying his brand-new MacBook Air, he tripped on a pothole on 59th Street in New York and, in an effort to keep his ultralight toy from becoming a casualty of the mean streets of the Big Apple, fell flat on his face. Fortunately, the Air is bloodied (Rose's blood) but just fine, and the host can count on getting a few free rounds at his local bar thanks to his battle scars - until they find out how he got them, that is. Meanwhile, Steve Jobs should send Rose a few Apple Gift Cards for his heroism.

Best. Magazine. Cover. Ever ...

... this week, at least.

But this cover does what a magazine cover should - it catches your eye and stops you in your tracks. And, really, what more need be said on the topic.

Am I missing something here?

Could someone out there explain to me why exactly Goodfellas is airing right now on Lifetime? Lifetime? I mean, Goodfellas is one of the finest movies of the last 20 years - a blooy but stylish Mob epic. And while I'm not exactly part of the demographic of Lifetime, I watch it fairly regularly, both as a TV critic and as a normal viewer. But I'm boggled as to what the two have in common. I'm not saying that women as a whole would want nothing to do with watching Mafia guys whack each other and eat sphaghetti with their mothers - I'm just asking what specific aspect of the film the Lifetime programmers thought would appeal to their core audience. It can't be the scene when Lorraine Bracco stuffed the gun down her panties - I think that was more for the guys. Just guessing.

Nothin' between the wind and Ms. Willow ...

For years now the broadcast networks have dealt with uncertainty and confusion while dealing with the newly strict but vague FCC rules regarding obscenity and indecency on television, established soon after Justin Timberlake unleashed Janet Jackson's nipple onto an unsuspecting world at the Super Bowl. (Now, who won that game?) Finally, though, a clarification, one that's must simpler than we suspected. Observe:

The Decline and Fall of Western Civilization ... only five days away!

The 100th episode of One Tree Hill is upon us! Run - RUN for your very LIVES!!!!

Another Reason Why the Correct Answer to the Question is "Mary Ann"

And don't pretend to not know what question I'm talking about. In the sum of things, it's the question, the only question that matters. Most of the men I know - and, I would venture, a fair number of the women, gay and straight, that I know as well - would choose wisely and pick Mary Ann, the wholesomely sexy young lass, over Ginger, the redheaded bombshell with the curvy figure and breathless voice whom, despite the surface treatments, always had an air of aloofness about her, perhaps befitting her cinematic diva background. Mary Ann, on the other hand, looked sweet and acted sweet - and not only did those traits comes across as genuine, but she also gave off that tiny whiff of a feeling that, under the right condition, she could rock your world with enough carnal delights to turn Gandhi into a borderline pervert.

Yeah, yeah, I know I'm talking about characters from a sitcom. But in the decades since Gilligan's Island (i.e. the alpha version of Lost) went to syndication heaven, the correct choice of Mary Ann has been validated by the actions of the women who played the lovely lasses on that chuck of classic TV real estate. Dawn Wells, aka Mary Ann, is a charming soul who has remained beautiful and, yeah, pretty sexy well into her so-called "advanced years," to the point where Playboy asked her to pose topless when she was in her late 50s. (She declined, unfortunately, but was flattered.) More than her great looks, Wells has devoted herself to helping young actors who are entering the business of show - and, maybe most impressive of all, she has embraced the kitschy legacy that put her on the pop-culture map, never trying to run away from the Gilligan stamp that she knows will be the first line of her obituary. (Full disclosure: I met Wells during a press event a few years ago, so I can attest to how nice - and how hot - she was.) Meanwhile, Tina Louise, who embodied the essence of Ginger, has done everything possible to abandon her most famous role. While she has had a steady career post-Gilligan, not to mention a fair amount of charity work, she has rarely taken part in any of the myriad of Gilligan reunion events that regularly pop up on the calendar. She's even dropped the show from her resume. As hokey as that show may have been, it made Louise an international star, and she seems terminally ashamed of that fact.

But I digress. The reason I bring all of this up is because of a news item that popped up on the wires amid all of the hubbub over Eliot Spitzer, Geraldine Ferraro, Steve King and Billy Crystal joining the Yankees for a day. Because our choice, Dawn Wells, cemented her spot on the pantheon of Retro Babes We Fancy, thanks to her recent bust for marijuana possession and driving under the influence. That's right, kids - Mary Ann is a toker.


She was arrested last Oct. 18 in Idaho while driving home from her birthday party. That would be her 69th birthday party, boys and girls. A police office noticed her car swerving on the road and pulled her over. Upon approaching Wells' vehicle, the officer notice the telltale aroma of one of those funny cigarette, and then noticed burned-out joints in the ashtray and small containers elsewhere in the car. Wells said they belonged to hitchhikers she had just given a ride to, but her failed sobriety test - and the grin she sported in her booking photo - said otherwise.

Eventually Wells pleaded guilty to one count of reckless driving, and the drug-related charges were dropped. She was sentenced to five days in jail, six months of probation and a fine of $410.50 for the whole deal, and while she has yet to admit to being the owner or user of the found pot, I'm sure that when the inevitable interviews take place regarding this point in Wells' colorful life, she'll face it with a smile that will have less to do with imbibing and more with the positive outlook that has made her so attractive all this time.

But one tip, Dawn - keep your recreation at home. You have a checkered history when it comes to transportation.


POSTSCRIPT: This isn't Wells' first dalliance with the wacky weed. In 1998 Gilligan himself, the now-departed Bob Denver, was arrested for marijuana possession. Initially he named Dawn Wells as his supplier, but later refused to name names in court. He pled no contest and also received six months probation. Suddenly, I'm wondering if the happy-go-lucky Wells can whip up one hell of a batch of brownies.

Spit(zer) Take ...

I know Eliot Spitzer said that he wanted to bring perpetrators of vice and such to their knees as governor of New York, but this is ridiculous!

But seriously, folks, of all of the offensives Gov. Spitzer is accused of in this situation - and being an idiot is right at the top (Yeah, a politician whose entire rep is built upon being a law-and-order, take-no-prisoners tough guy gets caught with his pants down ... literally? Not exactly Albert Einstein, no?) - the worst thing about this story? His last recorded "business transaction" with on Feb. 13, the day before Valentine's Day! Something tells me that it's going to take more than roses and a box of chocolates to get Eliot out of the scalding water he's now in with his wife.

Something also tells me that Dick Wolf's head just exploded as he thinks about all of the Law & Order episodes he's going to get out of this story. Or at least that permanent boil on the side of Wolf's head just exploded. Nah, it's probably the entire cranium.

Brett Favre is dead

I was very sorry to hear of the passing of Brett Favre. He was indeed one of the greatest quarterbacks in NFL history, a legendary player for a legendary franchise. His untimely death at only 38 is truly a tragic event ...

... wait ... what? You mean Favre isn't dead? Oh, he just ... retired?

Well, you could have fooled me. The way ESPN and other sports outlets were running round-the-clock film reels of Favre's career highlights, the solemn commentary, the reverent music, and you would have thought the future Hall of Famer had driven his truck off of a Mississippi road and been eaten by a bear after the wreck. News flash to the media - the man is still alive. He's retiring, not ascending into heaven!

If Favre got this treatment by just hanging up his shoulder pads, God help us all when Tiger Woods decides to pack it in. The Earth may hurl itself into the sun upon that cataclysmic news.

Is that an external hard drive in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

For women who are looking for Mr. Right, or maybe Mr. Right Now, there is a new hot spot for sexy singles action, and it isn't the neighborhood bar or even the corner Starbucks. According to a genteel, modest publication called Cosmopolitan, one of the best places for ladies to meet available men is at the local Apple Store. The magazine writes that since most men are natural gadget lovers, and with the Mac line of iPods, iPhones and computers, guys tend to gravitate toward the bright and shiny Apple establishments that can be found in 31 states of the Union (there are five of them here in the L.A. area alone). Cosmo also points out how the regular flow of free workshops and seminars at many Apple Stores make for great opportunities for Meeting Cute™ over the diodes.

This news isn't that much of a surprise - much has already been written about how Apple Stores have been de facto community centers of sort thanks to their clean, sparkly interiors and free computer access. I'm a Apple fanatic of sorts, but most of the time I go into one of the establishments I leave empty-handed; instead, I step in to play with the toys I don't have, check my email and news headlines, sit in on one of those entertaining workshops. But the next time I stop by, I'll make sure I look my scrubbed-up best - you know, just in case. Besides, if women can meet men at Apple Stores, then by default it would work both ways, right?

For a guide to the Apple Store nearest to you, go here.